Tag: love

As the year goes by

KatherineLeave a comment

It has been almost one year since your life here on earth ended and you went to your heavenly home.  I have cried, I have laughed, I have mourned your death and I have been grateful for the 22 years we shared.

I miss you so much, yet you are always with me. I see your face in the clouds, I feel you by my side at the sea, I walk through the ball park and football stadium and your spirit surrounds me.

As much as I wish that I could be with you, I know it is not my time. God will call me home when his time is right. Until then, I will fight. I will fight to preserve and honor your memory. I will fight the darkness that overwhelms my soul. I will fight for my right to grieve when people say that I should just “get over it”. I will fight to learn how to live as the new me in a drastically changed life. I don’t mean that I am going to be arguing with the world and everyone in it. I mean that I will stand strong against forces that try to bring me to my knees.

You may not know it, but you were loved by so many people. So many call you their brother or best friend. Your smile lit up the world. Your presence in a room made life a party. Your laugh was contagious. Your loyalty to those you loved is remembered as one of your best qualities. You loved and lived life so fully, and enjoyed the moment. If anything, that is what I would like to learn from you.

I love you, Donald Gwarjanski.

MOM

A grey world

Katherine5 Comments

If you are reading this thinking it will be a book review, then you may be disappointed.  I have not read Fifty Shades of Grey and don’t plan to. This post is about how my life feels after losing my son who was only 22.  
The sky is blue, I know this.  The sun is bright.  I know this also.  There was a ‘blue moon’ on August 31, which was a beautiful sight.  Fall is upon us, and football has started.  I wore my orange and blue for Auburn University’s first football game of the 2012 season.  But it all looks grey to me.  The world is less bright, less colorful, less alive without my son.  I feel grey.  I see grey.   There is a grey mist over the beauty of this world, or maybe its just a mist of tears.  Something inside me has died with my son. Some part of me is gone, gone forever.  My son brought life and joy to my world.  That is not to say he was perfect or that everything always was easy.  But his love for me and mine for him was boundless.
Today, it has actually been grey except for a few minutes in the early evening, when the sky was blue and I could see the beginning of sunset.  I knew God was showing me the promise of tomorrow, the promise of healing and peace, in his time, not mine.  The rest of the day it rained.  We need rain as much as the rest of the country, but today the rain echoed and amplified my grey mood.  Thunder is rolling, rain is falling, and the darkness of night has descended.   Another night to be endured, with dreams that make me toss and turn and to awaken in the morning tired and listless.
My hope is that slowly the grey will fade and that I will be able to see the colors of this world.  I am reminded of a movie I watched years ago, I can’t remember the title now, but everything was black and white until slowly, one by one, people began to live and there was color in their lives.