I went to your grave today
and felt the pain of you going away
all over again.
I fell to my knees
praying for God to please
take away my pain.
My tears fell like rain
through my fingers as
I covered my face.
I just could not believe
that I was actually
kneeling at the place
where you were laid to rest.
I sat in my truck
trying to catch my breath
when I saw a reflection
of some one waving.
It was my Auburn flag
flying high in the wind.
It looked as if you were waving me on,
telling me it will one day
be better again.
I sat there waiting
and saw no more,
then as I put the truck in gear
I felt you whispering in my ear,
I love you Mom.
author: Katherine Corley
Dedicated to Donald Phillip Gwarjanski
I just looked at my countdown and saw it is three days to my “girls beach trip”, except it is now just two days because we are leaving a day early. Woo-hoo. I really love the beach. When I say the beach, I really mean the Gulf Coast of Alabama or the Panhandle area of Florida. It is where my battery gets recharged and with the tragic death of my son, Donald, this trip is going to be a relief from the daily details I have been attending to, but will also be a little hard because the one month mark falls during the weekend. Wow. That sentence really needs to be rewritten but hey, this is my blog. I’ll just leave it alone.
I love the sound of the waves crashing on the shore, the endless sight of water and sky, the salty air, the feel of my toes in the sand and the warmth of the sun on my face. I am always happiest at the beach. My favorite time of day at the beach is late afternoon when many people start to go in to clean up and go out, to bathe the children, or to prepare a meal. The beach is very peaceful at that time especially in September. The weather is still warm but the crowds are gone. It is quiet. The sounds of sea and shore soothe my mind and body. A walk on the beach at sunrise or sunset is good for my soul. I feel close to God. I can see the beauty he has created and feel his presence around me.
I’ll take my computer and I’ll have my ‘smartphone’, so hopefully I will post at least once, with a picture. Until then, imagine yourself at the beach, burying your toes in the sand with your eyes closed, listening to the waves lap gently on the shore.
Quote of the Day
“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”
If you are reading this thinking it will be a book review, then you may be disappointed. I have not read Fifty Shades of Grey and don’t plan to. This post is about how my life feels after losing my son who was only 22.
The sky is blue, I know this. The sun is bright. I know this also. There was a ‘blue moon’ on August 31, which was a beautiful sight. Fall is upon us, and football has started. I wore my orange and blue for Auburn University’s first football game of the 2012 season. But it all looks grey to me. The world is less bright, less colorful, less alive without my son. I feel grey. I see grey. There is a grey mist over the beauty of this world, or maybe its just a mist of tears. Something inside me has died with my son. Some part of me is gone, gone forever. My son brought life and joy to my world. That is not to say he was perfect or that everything always was easy. But his love for me and mine for him was boundless.
Today, it has actually been grey except for a few minutes in the early evening, when the sky was blue and I could see the beginning of sunset. I knew God was showing me the promise of tomorrow, the promise of healing and peace, in his time, not mine. The rest of the day it rained. We need rain as much as the rest of the country, but today the rain echoed and amplified my grey mood. Thunder is rolling, rain is falling, and the darkness of night has descended. Another night to be endured, with dreams that make me toss and turn and to awaken in the morning tired and listless.
My hope is that slowly the grey will fade and that I will be able to see the colors of this world. I am reminded of a movie I watched years ago, I can’t remember the title now, but everything was black and white until slowly, one by one, people began to live and there was color in their lives.