Silent for now


Ok, so I have not been posting much.  I’ve been very busy dealing with my son’s death, and all of the details, large and small, that go along with that.  I am keeping a private journal that may or many not make it into my blog.  I want to thank those of you who have expressed their thoughts, prayers and condolences.  

KatherineImage

Kia Kaha


Kia Kaha.

 

NZ Cate, this really spoke to me.  As you know, I lost my son on August 18.  Everyone keeps telling me how proud they are that I am being so strong.  I do have my moments when I let out all my emotions, but there is just so much to be done that all I can do is be strong. I swing from being numb, to crying, to making phone calls, to taking care of those who are not as strong as me,  and in between, trying to make sure I am taking care of myself in the best manner I can at this time.  One of my friends who has lost a child told me to take it breath by breath, and that is what I am doing.

I have not been posting because my thoughts are so scattered and there are so many other things that I must be doing.

 

The day the world stopped


I can’t say much but yesterday my world came to a screeching halt.  As you know, my son started his last semester of college on Thursday.  Yesterday, he was found dead in his apartment.  And it was on Facebook before the police could notify me.  I’m devastated.  It will be awhile before I can post again.  I know God’s timing is different from ours, but why did it have to be my Don’s time to go?!  I don’t understand.  I have no answers from the police, or the coroner, or forensics.   It may be two months.  But I have to bury my baby this week.

The Last Semester


     Today my son starts his last semester at Auburn University.  He will be the third generation in my family to graduate from Auburn.  It seems that just yesterday he was a little boy getting on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.
     My son is the most important person in my life.  I’ve worked hard to encourage him to be independent.  And he is, except when it comes to Mom’s money. I have struggled to pay for his college education and expenses.  Now, don’t get outraged…he has loans and has worked.  But, I have covered the rest of his expenses. I did this out of choice, not obligation.
     I feel like I am getting a huge raise come December.  I also feel like I’m losing something, but I’m not sure what it is I’m losing.  I’ve figured out that one thing that I’m afraid of losing is that close connection we have had all these years.  He will be on his own (he would say he’s been on his own for 4 years, but I know he has been living in “college world”).  I’m not, nor ever have been, a ‘helicopter parent’.  If anything, I may have let him do too much on his own.  I also realize that having him in Auburn gave me the opportunity to drive down Highway 280 once a month for 4 years and visit.  I visited my son and his friends, but I also visited the college and town that still seems like home to me. Don says that I am a different person in Auburn, younger, happier, easier. He’s probably right.  I know that I will miss those monthly visits to rekindle my youth.
     College was a special time for me, as it is for many people.  I told him when he started that his job was to go to class and get his education, but that there was plenty of time for fun also.  I felt qualified to tell him this because I went to Auburn and then to law school and managed to balance studying and fun.  My four years at Auburn were some of the best years of my life.  I hope that his memories of Auburn will be just as happy and that he will be eager to go back and visit once he graduates.
War Eagle!

The Cushion of Darkness


The other day, Lori at Dear Ms. Migraine wrote a poem about the dark.  Lori and I have migraines.  I understand her affinity for darkness.  Today I have been  lying in a cool, dark room.  I wish I could say it is quiet also, but someone is outside somewhere with a very noisy gas-powered yard tool of some sort.

I don’t have a migraine yet.  I feel it hovering at the edges of my brain, waiting to burst into my day with vengeance.  That is why I am in bed in the dark.  I am very sensitive to light, especially bright sunlight, on a day like today. Actually, I’m very sensitive to bright light at any time.  I am one  of those strange people who wear sunglasses when its raining!  The brightness of the sun, coupled with scorching heat, makes me wilt like a delicate flower.  I am not that way every day….some days I seek the sun and its warmth, although only if I’m very close to a pool, lake or ocean and its either spring or fall.   Summer seems to drain every bit of energy from my body.

It is peaceful in the dark.  It cushions me and my aching head when I have a migraine or my body when the fibromyalgia flares up or my mind when depression strikes.  It also becomes a place of refuge from the chaos of daily life.  Unfortunately, sometimes I spend time in this refuge when I really need to be doing something else.  Hence, I am up and moving around, although gingerly, and writing my thoughts for whoever finds them interesting enough to read.  For today, that is enough.

 

My continuing search for information on fibromyalgia


I have fibromyalgia.  Many of you also have fibromyalgia.  It is a very difficult disease (some call it a syndrome) to diagnose and treat.  So, I often read anything I can on treatment options.  Today I found this article :

http://www.fmnetnews.com/free-articles/article-samples/neurologist-approach.

I didn’t see any new information in this article, but it may be helpful to some of you.  I’ve tried all the drugs he mentions, but the side effects are too unpleasant for me.  I have found that my lifestyle choices are about the only things I can do to try to control the symptoms of fibromyalgia.  Also, I have a great therapist who helps me deal with the depression and anxiety that often accompany chronic pain.

One of the hardest things to accept is that I don’t look sick.  There is no xray or MRI or anything that I can show anyone.  That is also true for my chronic migraine disease.  So, very few people can understand why I can’t do what they think I should do, or what they want me to do, or even what I want to do.  One thing that I have learned is to take every day as it comes and not to dwell on the past or fear the future.  The only time I think about past days is to examine what, if anything, I could have done differently to avoid or treat the pain.  As for the future, I still have hope.  There are good days, like the one I had yesterday.  Today is a good day, so I enjoy those days and know that they are blessings.  I know not to “overdo” my activity just because I feel good, and I know not to lay around doing absolutely nothing.   As one doctor recommended, I try to do a bit more than I think I can on bad days, and not as much as I think I can on good days.

 

 

A Sunshine Award!


To my amazement, I have been nominated for a Sunshine Award by Ginger Ray at www. dailylifewithfibromyalgia.com!  I didn’t even know there were awards, but I am so happy that someone has read my blog and likes some of my posts.  This is major encouragement for a new blogger, especially since I haven’t quite gotten used to this blogging thing yet and pretty much just write whatever is on my mind that day instead of following any set topic.  Thank you Ginger.  You made my day.

So, Here are the rules:

1.  If you are nominated, you must blog a post linking back to the person/blog that nominated you.

2. You must answer some questions, nominate ten fellow bloggers and link their blogs to the post!

3. You should comment on your nominees’ blogs to let them know you’ve nominated them.

So, here are the questions:

1. Who is your favorite philosopher? 

I have never thought about this.  I guess C.S. Lewis.

2. What is your favorite number?

Seven, but I don’t know why.

3.   What is your favorite animal? 

Dog.  Now, this is strange if you knew me, because for most of my life I was terrified of dogs.  All dogs, large or small, it didn’t matter.  I was terrified.  But, I had a child and I didn’t want him to learn my fear of dogs, so I worked very hard to overcome that fear.  I now love dogs.  Some more than others.  I have a lovable little Shih Tzu named Lulu.

4.    What are your Facebook and Twitter URLs? 

Facebook:  http://www.facebook.com/katherine.corley1

I have a Twitter account, but never use it.

5. What is your favorite time of the day? 

Late afternoon, when it is almost evening, and the world is slowing down.  I especially love this time of day if I am at the beach or a lake.  There is something so calming about sitting and watching the sun set over the water.  .

6. What was your favorite vacation? 

My honeymoon to Breckenridge, CO.  Although I am now divorced, I still think that was my favorite vaction because it was my first time skiing in the Rocky Mountains.  However, any vacation on a beach, particularly the Gulf of Mexico, is my favorite vacation.  One day I will move there.

7. What is your favorite physical activity? 

It is working out with weights, however, since I have fibromyalgia and migraines, I don’t do this as much as I would like.  I have to be careful not to push myself too hard.  Also, walking.

8. What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink?

Coca-cola!

9. What is your favorite flower?

Tulips.

10. What is your passion? 

Reading.

My ’10′ Blogger Nominees

I’m so new to blogging that I don’t have 10.  Sorry.

1.  http://theshowmecajun.wordpress.com/

2.  http://dearmsmigraine.com/

3.  http://infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com/

4.  http://walkingthroughpain.wordpress.com/

Have a great day and enjoy this little bit of Sunshine!

No pain, all gain


So, today was the first day in almost a month that my head did not hurt. At all.  No migraine. No headache of any kind!  I felt so wonderful that I did none, I repeat, none of my chores!  Ha!  I just could not waste such a blessing, when it also did not get over 80 degrees today.  Now, if you know anything about Alabama summers, it is 80 at night.  So, when we have a beautiful sunny day in August that is only 80, it is definitely a day to be enjoyed. 

I went to the farmers market and visited my mother.  Then I spent time sitting outside with friends.  I did enjoy one Bloody Mary and since I prepared it from a delicious array of spices, juices, vegetables and condiments, I must say it was wonderful.  Very spicy, but that is how I like it.  ZingZang mix?  Check. Spicy pickled green beans?  Check.  Tabasco? Check.  Worcestershire?  Check.  Horseradish?  Check.  You get the picture.  Of course, I should have taken a picture to share with ya’ll.  Next time I will. 

Oh, and, I got a manicure and pedicure. I am so spoiled today!  I could not resist doing the things I wanted to do, which I often cannot do, instead of the things I needed to do.  Actually, I believe I needed to do just what I did today! 

Today was an extra special blessing.  I believe every day is a blessing, but today was so much more. . I hope ya’ll had a blessing today also.

Sleep, elusive sleep


It is dark and quiet.  A fan is gently blowing cool air over my skin.  Lulu is snuggled by my feet.  Perfect conditions for a deep slumber, right?  I have been dozing fitfully since about 2:30 a.m.  This is the time of the morning when I am often sleeping my very best sleep of the night.  But, here I am, posting instead of sleeping. 
It may be that a migraine is still lingering, waiting to catch me unaware.  I feel it, just hiding in the dark recesses of my brain.  It may be the warning of a fibromyalgia flare.  Or, it may be that I just can’t stay asleep.  my brain keeps thinking when I want it to turn off for a few hours.
I love the feel of the air caressing my skin.  I am comfortable.  If I get up, I know I will be back in bed in a couple of hours.
I think longingly of being at the beach, where I could walk along the shore, my feet feeling the soft sand as I watch the sun rise.
Alas, I got up anyway. A little snack and juice, with some ibuprofen, should go a long way toward getting me another couple hours of sleep. I need the rest because I have a list of things I want to accomplish today. It may be Friday, but I don’t want to go into the weekend with a longer list.